My Bitter-Sweetheart

My Bitter-Sweetheart

After breaking the cycle of emotional, verbal, and physical abuse…I was able to walk away with more than wounds. I took away something more important once I was able to heal. I have learned what to look for in a relationship to avoid or warn others as well to walk away NO ONE deserves to be treated like a punching bag. No one deserves to wipe away tears streaming from sore eyelids, question their worth, and tip toe around bullshit.  A common mistake I have made as well was: To never accept the love you may have thought you deserved. No one truly should be inflicted with pain.

If you know someone who is struggling with domestic abuse. Remember there are others who are recovering, currently experiening  and those who are trying to run away from it.   I am here for you, do not feel ashamed or alone no longer – My imbox and arms are opened for anyone who needs a friend to listen to you. You deserve more happiness, good health, and consistency.  Yours truly, Samantha xo.

A poem I wrote for him…

You didn’t have to rip up my photograph,

Nor pitch furniture across the bedroom or call me things that weren’t true

You knew it hurt me especially when I cried

& never tried.

Thick and thin for us was constantly thin

With you, I could never win

I’m in the wrong when it wasn’t my fault

Moving along stayed impossible.

Never responsible

I was there through the hours of darkness

When things dim, you vanished like a shadow

Always expected me to come through for you

It would’ve been nice if I got that too

Repeatedly accused, abused, and confused

I wasn’t the one to be blamed for nonexistent shame

The bad guy along was the victim falsely viewed

There was no need for your disputes

I needed to put us to a rest

Finally letting things off my chest

It will never be the end of me; however, it will be for you

I thought what we had was real

But I got the shorter end of the deal


This is for all the women who say “No.”

This is for all the women who say “No.”

We tend to focus on sweet nothings.

Yet once she says no, then it becomes “I don’t see things working out. Like abortion, we wait for that medical exam but hell we couldn’t have afford it.

So, what happens next?

Well we are into the 8-weel period and things went wrong. A shift in the relationship caused me not to be strong. A sharp pain of shame crushes every life inside of me and the blame pounds on my back.

I hung my head low and lather  soap into those cracks you shattered within me. Like many nights, I cried internally underneath the shower curtains.

That was the beginning of the these burdens… I didn’t read in between subliminal signs. You inside of me was terminal. Like chemotherapy I consumed the toxins in me.

Hoping each ounce of alcohol rocks my self-doubt asleep and spark some anger inside of you. (But you would have had to care about me.) Little did I know; a crisis of addiction is not in place.

I kiss each end of the bottles and ashes that left a trace from the base of all my problems which I needed to face.

I took your words and believed in everything you said to me.  You were quite clever when you said forever. Your hands covered my mouth while you hushed me.

It was fight or flight – that left myself down.

The world was spinning and the twigs around me snapped. I lie there in a trance not realizing  what snapped inside my soul.

How could you be so cold?

I have tried to find my savior at the bottom of the bottles that we have once shared. The same one that put us in a lust and daze.

You made me feel so pretty.

You made me feel so pity.

There are certain things I have begun to understand… I lived in a cold world and I was able to rely on you for a short period of time.

9 months have flown by and it is time for delivery.

1cm: Cry Cry Cry. 

2cm: Deny Deny Deny.

3cm: Lie Lie lie. Because you said you loved me as you betrayed me.

4cm: I didn’t understand why it ached in my thighs.

5cm: not quite there but lets numb the pain.

6cm: Scream!

7cm: Cry

8cm: Scream!

9cm: Cry

10cm: Push

All the wounds remain open at this time.

Night terrors and unease are all over the sheets. You’re tired but you fail to finish the fight.

The umbilical cord is disconnected, and we are no longer  interconnected.

Now pay the child support for those bastard babies you claimed as your promises…You loved me and wanted to protect me- yet here I am.

Who am I?

Who am I?

Becoming a member of this website, is pretty confusing.
– Samanthaxo

Hello everyone, welcome to my page which will be filled with surprises!  Just like everyone else, I am searching for the next puzzle piece in my life in order to fit in. Over the past 4 months I have felt like I was forcing the wrong piece into my life and needed to make the change. (Who ever is watching me from above probably threw their hands up in the air by now stomping around screaming “NO, NO,NO,NO,NOOOOO SAMANTHA, you do not belong there!”)

So what is next?

  • Change of mind set.
  • Change of life style.
  • Filling up my glass.
  • Striving to be the person I would have wanted to be there for me.

With that being said…I am declaring my own “New Years” resolution before  the beginning of 2019. Just like everyone else, we want a better if not AMAZING year while the cycle repeats. Buttttttttt! I will be trying to be at least  four steps ahead this time!

8:20PM

8:20PM

Since I had surgery 2 weeks ago, I have not been able to enjoy the little things such as reaching over to pet my animals or simply eating everything I have loved but now hate since puking. Gross I know. Currently I am covered over a handmade blanket with my right leg propped up high. The heating pad is calming the pain while I am typing away sitting next to my own tub of cookies n’ cream chocolate ice cream. 🙂

It could be worse though, right? The ice cream could be aching and I could not get up to get myself a new one.